Illadelph Halflife Review

New post miracle?

I’m not gonna lie, I actually have no clue why I just wrote that first sentence. Actually I do have a clue why, it was because I found it funny. Why I found it funny, however, I really don’t actually have a clue.

Now some of you may be wondering why I’m writing this post on a Friday night. The answer is simple. Everyone is sick so there are no parties going on, even though I am satisfactorily vaccinated. Against seasonal flu, only though, because H1N1 doesn’t exist. And it’s for pussies.

Now that I’m done with this half-assed

Get it?

introduction, I will say “This is the Root’s most critically acclaimed album, and it’s called Illadelph Halflife.

Illadelph Halflife Album Cover

INTRO

I like how this pieces together the collective consciousness of the Roots at this time. Other than that, it’s still an intro.

RESPOND/REACT (9)

You should already know my feelings on this song.

SECTION (9)

While I feel like ?uestlove could have calmed it down a bit on the drums (the snare is a LOT louder than it really needs to be) the rest of the Roots once again play their part on here, chilling out and letting Black Thought and Malik B rip shit up for the second consecutive time. The horns (if that’s what they are?) in the background make this song sound spaced out, with which both MCees take full liberty switching up their flow erratically (but awesomely).

PANIC!!! (8)

The title really does say it all. The instrumental is chaotic as hell, and Black Thought spits a verse that makes the city sound like an apocalypse, and given that this doesn’t overstay its welcome at roughly a minute and a half, this is pretty nice.

IT JUST DON’T STOP (8)

I’ve said it before (in previous posts) and I’ll say it again…The Roots are clearly ridiculously skilled, but WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE SO DAMN DEPRESSING ALL THE TIME? That’s why I think “How I Got Over” will end up being great. What does all this have to do with this song? EVERYTHING…this song is an 8 in terms of skill, but how often will I listen to it? I feel like a Zoloft commercial after listening to this.

EPISODES (7)

Not only does the echo effect become annoying over the course of the song, but this song feels like a continuation of the last one…I literally had to check to see whether the next song ended after I realized the same sound had been going on for the last 10 minutes. Consider this your warning, Roots.

PUSH UP YA LIGHTER (7)

If you couldn’t tell by the song title or the bubbling sound effect in the background, this is the token weed song. The spaciness of the instrumental and bubbling most likely sound good ONLY when high, however, because they are bothering the shit out of me right now.

WHAT THEY DO (10)

Not only is the song awesome, but the video KICKS HIP HOP’S ASS. Yup, you read that right. Sweetness.

? Vs. Scratch

Interlude with Rahzel doing a damn convincing beatbox. I miss stuff like this. I just said that like I was there when stuff like this was happening. I am a liar.

CONCERTO OF THE DESPERADO (10)

Black Thought and Malik B are both damn consistent and damn impressive on here, and since the beat here is crazily cool (and so is the video), this is yet another 10. At this point I am REALLY HAPPY I decided to review this album despite the fact that I have a pounding headache.

CLONES (9)

Holy shit this album is just filled with spitfests. Is it just me or does M.A.R.S sound like Ghostface? (Even though that kind of defeats the purpose of this song). I’m not going to lie, other listeners might not like this album as much as me, but that could only be due to the simplicity of the instrumentals. Make no mistake son it’s Jake One he makes beats well like I likes my steaks done. Make no mistake, the focus on this album is lyrical ripping, a point I am perfectly fine with.

UNIverse AT WAR (7)

If I actually ever got any comments on this site, I would expect the comments on this post to be proclaiming my rating of this song as heresy, considering it’s a Roots song featuring Common. This, however, is a slightly annoying instrumental with Common spitting a verse that’s average (for him), and the snare is making my headache even worse. While that might sound like a bullshit excuse for rating a song, especially since I already had a headache, if I didn’t have a headache it would still have annoyed me and I still would have given this the same grade. So fuck you.

NO ALIBI (8)

?uestlove seems to have taken my last comments into consideration, because he chills out on the snare this time around and brings back the jazz, over which Malik B and Black Thought do what they always do.

DAVE VS. US

Sax interlude that isn’t Yakkety Sax. Go figure.

I love Chris Andersen…he’s actually my favorite player currently in the NBA, but that was DAMN EMBARASSING.

NO GREAT PRETENDER (8)

As good as all these songs are, reviewing this CD is damn exhausting. Practically ever song is over 4 minutes and they are all very similar in format, which hurts the replay value of this CD. This song is more of the same.

THE HYPNOTIC (7)

And now The Roots have slipped back into depression. I’m begging you, Roots, don’t practice self-destructive behavior, because to do that would be to surrender, and surrender equals death, and death is for pussies. I realize that’s not the right clip, but it IS still from the same hilarious show.

ITAL (THE UNIVERSAL SIDE) (8)

Somehow Q-Tip manages to hold his own alongside Black Thought. I’m actually gonna stop you right there (Once again, same show, wrong clip)…it is damn near IMPOSSIBLE to listen through this entire CD in a row without taking a mental health break or something. IT’S SO LONG (that’s what she said) AND ALL THE SAME. SEE HOW INCOHERENT I AM RIGHT NOW? IT’S BECAUSE I’M GOING STRAIGHT THROUGH THIS CD.

ONE SHINE (8)

Holy shit this instrumental is pimp. This is the best instrumental on the CD other than Concerto of the Desperado. ?uestlove keeps the drums real light and jazzy, the harmonizing is ‘baby-makin music’, the bassline is downright funky, and the horns add a nice free-structured touch. SEE? I can talk about the instrumentals too (even though I haven’t really done so on the rest of this album. Oops, my point was just rendered irrelevant since I remembered this is a full-length musical interlude. Shit.

THE ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND (DB)

Spoken-word psycho-babble bullshit. But that’s just my opinion.

OUTRO

Pointless.

 

HOLY PISS YOU’RE ACTUALLY DONE WITH THIS REVIEW. DID IT FEEL GOOD TO GET IT DONE?

Yes, since I’ve had this lying around since forever and never got around to it till now. Now I’m going to not listen to any more music for the rest of the day since I’m completely burned out.

BUY OR BURN?

This album is absolutely phenomenal at multiple points and has a bunch of streaks of good songs. It’s length just makes it wearisome. BUY IT.

ANY ADVICE?

Don’t listen to this all in one sitting. Enjoy it over time. Oh, and don’t try and drive on The BIRDMAN.

You Had To Know This Was Coming

The Yankees Win.

Now which did you know was coming…this post or the fact that they would win?

BET did something right?

I know…that sounds completely retarded, especially given the fact that anything on their channel is a piece of shit, they play horrible music and ban music videos for ‘being too intelligent for their target audience’ (because it was satirical of hip hop music video sterotypes a la ‘What They Do’),  and this travishamockery:

Yup, you guessed it, they banned that too. What a piece of shit.

ANYWAY, the one thing I guess I can allow them to continue is the ciphers they have been including in their annual awards shows. With Preemo on the wheels of steel and a mix of up and comers and living legends? Somehow, they pulled their heads out of their asses long enough to throw these together (and have done so for the last few years). Anyway, this years just came out, which I promptly watched, inspiring this post (which will be a cakewalk for me since it will mainly involve the posting of videos and just enough analysis to keep you from wondering why I even bothered).

ROUND ONE – NICKI MINAJ, BUCKSHOT, CROWN ROYAL, and JOE BUDDEN

Meager attempt at analysis:

What the hell is wrong with Nicki Minaj? She doesn’t know whether she wants to sound like a slut, a Lil Wayne clone, or a hamster that inhaled helium. Personally, I believe she is secretly all three. I’m not gonna lie, Buckshot disappointed, because he didn’t sound anything like what you might expect an old-school MC would spit, and had next to no punchlines. Now I realize he’s not a punchline rapper, but I mean that is kinda the point of a cipher like this where you have so little time and are trying to prove you’re not washed up. Whatever. Crown Royal sounded exactly like I expected him to sound given that BET declared him their Hot 16 Winner of the Year, but Joe Budden surprisingly didn’t bitch about anything and actually did better than decent, having the best verse of this cipher easily, especially with his SICK ASS FINISHING LINE.

ROUND TWO – WALE, NIPSEY HUSSLE, GSAN, and KRS-1

Meager attempt at analysis:

I’m not gonna lie, for the most part Wale’s verse was pretty boring except for this AWESOME FUCKIN LINE:

“I’m in the Black Yukon, know what the ‘ell I mean?”

AKA

“I’m in the Black UCONN, know what the El-Amin?”

BAM. AWESOMENESS.

College Greatness, NBA (europe) Balla

Other than that, Nipsey Hussle was a bore, GSAN was unintentionally hilarious…well, let me explain.

Regardless of whether this sounds fucked up or not, I laughed during his verse. This is the second year in a row BET has had a foreign rapper come and spit on the cipher, which is not a problem, it just results in unintentionally funny things, like when all the people in the background don’t know when to yell “OHHHHH” and just do it at the end of the verse, or when GSAN starts looking at people when he’s spitting his verse and they have NO CLUE what he’s saying about them. It’s like a mix of Dylan from Chappelle’s Making The Band when he’s in the studio and the Barbershop Freestyle from the White People Can’t Dance sketch (I would have included links but copyrights suck). Also, he has some lines like this:

“I’m entering every spot, even when I don’t wear a tie”

Finally, KRS-1 ends up having the best verse, mainly because he appears to be the only one who is actually freestyling. All in all, a subpar second round.

ROUND THREE – MOS DEF, BLACK THOUGHT, and EMINEM

Meager attempt at analysis:

None needed. You already know this is going to be NASTY. I’m not even that much of an Eminem fan compared to others I know, and he murdered the FUCK out of this.

“Used to bomb ya like Saddam but now that I’m a little calmer

I’m a fuckin cross between Osama, Dahmer, Obama, and Dalai Lama”

SERIOUSLY?

 

Also, as a little bonus, I will add these two from previous years since I didn’t cover either of them when they came out:

ACE HOOD, JUELZ SANTANA, FABOLOUS, and JADAKISS (2008)

AKA the Mixtape Lover’s Wet Dream. Ace Hood manages not to royally fuck anything up, Juelz actually comes the hardest I’ve ever heard from him, Fabolous has some funny ass one liners, and then Jadakiss comes in for the kill.

STYLES P, PAPOOSE, and LUPE FIASCO (2007)

Needless to say, Lupe dominates this.

One of my favorite ciphers, however, is not from big name stars like the ones above. This heatrock is straight from a relatively unknown group, Die Prinzen:

 

You’re Welcome.

American Gangster Remoted Mixtape Review

Don’t ever say I’m not trying. I don’t have nearly enough time in my day to review the album I’ve been wanting to go through for months now (you’ll see it eventually, chill out already), so I’m going to go through this mixtape instead. How will this save you time you may ask? The answer’s simple. Since I’ve done literally a billion mashup reviews with Jay-Z songs already, I’ve pretty much given you my opinion on the lyrics of 90% of these songs already. This means all I’m going to do here is let you know how well this particular mashup of beats meshes with the lyrics presented, and in the rare case I haven’t talked about a song before, I WILL give you my lyrical insight. Got it?

Oh…I guess I should give you some background information, shouldn’t I? Welp, this particular mashup was made by Remot (who?), a relative no-name who happened to win hiphopdx’s contest for the best remixing of Jay-Z’s American Gangster. Why am I even interested in yet another mashup of these same songs at all? Easy…all of the following songs are mashed up with songs that are actually from the time period, making this:

He's going to shoot you

More like this:

Supafly

Anyone else want to see that movie? We can go together.

Moving on.

American Gangster Remoted Mixtape Cover

 

INTRO

Aside from being justifiably funky, this different rehashing of Jay-Z’s original intro doesn’t provide us with anything necessary.

PRAY (7)

What I actually like the most about this is how the different beat provides a completely different take on the same song. While the original pray was borderline nerve-racking and built up anticipation/anxiety for the big job Jay-Z (Frank Lucas in this context) was about to do, this one plays on the more pensive/melancholy aspects of the same lyrics. This doesn’t necessarily mean that this beat was better, however, (it wasn’t) just that I appreciate the creativity.

HELLO BROOKLYN 2.0 (8)

Oh my god I like this beat SO MUCH MORE THAN THE ORIGINAL. The only way this could have been better would have been if they took Lil Wayne’s bumass verse and hook off of it (as a certain other mixtape did that made me really happy)

NO HOOK (9)

There is no wonder in my mind why this won the mashup award. Another different take via different beat, this soul song as beat is AMAZING. If there was any song that could give you the impression that the person on the beat was learning from their life experiences while simultaneously rhyming about them, this is it. Add that to the fact that that’s what the lyrics in this song are about, and you have a DAMN GOOD SONG GOING ON HERE.

ROC BOYS (AND THE WINNER IS) (7)

While I feel like I’m going to like every single soul sample that comes down the line, I won’t deny mistakes when I can identify them. This is another attempt at a different take through different beat, but it doesn’t really work as well here since this song was meant to be nothing other than triumphant. Add that to the fact that the drum loop is, for whatever reason, a LOT louder than the beat, and this is the first actual song that isn’t improved (or kept just as good)

SWEET (7)

I actually like the original beat better here as well.

On a side note: You know what’s awesome? House parties.

You know what’s not awesome? Cleaning up the day after anytime after the first one. I mean, the first time it’s so awesome that you don’t care about cleaning the day after because you’re in a great mood. After that, though, it get’s progressively more annoying to clean. It also seems like more shit goes wrong each time. Like the random girl that peed in my housemate’s bed. Fun.

I KNOW (8)

Although this beat is above solid (and so is the original), I feel like this may be the one song where the beat isn’t fixed perfectly to the lyrics. The lyrics are sick once you give this more than one listen (even though this idea has been done a bunch of times throughout the history of hip hop), but I feel like the instrumental should be a little more enticing and positive (to represent the enticing capabilities of the perspective from which this song takes place)…just listen to it and what I wrote will make sense.

PARTY LIFE (8)

Even though this beat seems a little too laid back…let’s put it this way, I, a boring person, could probably be the life of this party, it’s still supafly, making this sound more like when you’re chilling out after everyone left the party for the night and reminiscing about how sick the party was…actually this version of the song would be PERFECT for that. Did I mention this beat is PIMP? (Yes I did)

IGNORANT SHIT (9)

While the sample isn’t as aggressive sounding as the original (yes, I realize how weird it is that I just wrote that a “Between The Sheets” sample could be construed as aggressive, but I get that impression the way it was flipped…mainly because it was sped up a little bit and wasn’t the entire basis for the beat) (wow long parentheses), the drum loop here is harder hitting, making this sound just as awesome as the original, even with a different beat.

SAY HELLO (6)

Ah…the first misstep. This plodding beat sounds cool the first time through, but after that it gets boring and drawn out, especially over the course of 4 minutes. When it takes 10 tracks for one misstep from a no-name remixer, however, that’s pretty impressive.

SUCCESS (8)

Is this good? Yes. Will it ever replace the original? No. That song was a 10. This is just not triumphant or energetic enough to replace No ID’s original instrumental. Sorry.

BLUE MAGIC (10)

HOLY SHIT NASTINESS.

Oops…irrelevant awesome video.

This instrumental is so cool sounding that it took a song I never knew could be a 10 and makes it a 10.

Shitty Pun...Get it?

AMERICAN GANGSTER (9)

THIS BEAT IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL. I don’t know what it was, but the original sounded (at least to me) jarringly off-beat, and the funkiness of this is untouchable. YES. YES. YES.

 

Should I track this down?

Yes. Track this down NOW. HERE. This is pimpafied supafly awesomeness gangster. That’s actually what I’m pretty sure they call this album now.

On a side note: I love mashups but am sick of Jay-Z mashups. Anyone have any suggestions? Please leave a comment! Thanks in advance.

Can we expect an upcoming review this weekend?

HELL NO. Hint: I will be at a University of Awesomeness getting shiesty.

What will you be for Halloween.

I CAN’T TELL YOU.

The Bar Exam 2 Mixtape Review

Bam. The amount of work I had to do this week was RETARDED, so I was actually looking forward to doing this post (because that would mean that I had gotten through this week). Alas, as I’m writing this, I’m trapped in my room instead of in NYC for my friend’s 21st birthday party because my life is a piece of shit. Within the last 4 years, it has been safe to say that scheduling conflicts have ruined my potential for having an incredible life, so it’s really annoying that it continues to happen. Oh well, all I can do is kill my time by writing posts so that I don’t think about the fact that I could be slambangled and motorboating some hot ass girl right now with great cans (this is actually false, that would never actually happen to me).

Shall we?

The Bar Exam 2 Mixtape Cover

CRAZED MADMAN INTRO

I don’t think I even laughed at that one meager attempt at irony the first time I heard this.

HEAT TO THE STREETS (8)

Don’t ask me why we need the same verse twice, but this song is still pretty good. Royce manages to sound both militant and spit-bubbling/syllable-slurring like Pharaoh Monche, which is pretty awesome…if you’re looking for subject matter that’s different than the first Bar Exam, this isn’t the place to look.

IT’S THE NEW (9)

This is actually AWESOME. Royce gets hyper-aggressive and comes after pretty much every rapper who made a song in the last year’s NECKS, and even though I feel like I know where that “It’s The New” sample comes from and can’t place it, it sounds sick in this context.

I’M ME FREESTYLE (8)

You wanna know what’s awesome? ANY SONG WHERE ROYCE STARTS OFF CALM AND THEN GETS CRAZIER AND ANGRIER WITH EVERY LINE AND RIPS THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE. Unfortunately, the second verse can’t come even close to the first and the last verses, keeping this from being a 9 due to the lull in the action.

I’M NICE (6)

Not only can I not take the autotuning on the chorus, but for some reason this song is pretty much boring throughout. Hey, they can’t all be winners.

GUN MUSIC (6)

Hey, they can’t all be winners.

I’M THE SHIT FOOL (INTERLUDE)

Well this beatless freestyle is pretty awesome the first time around, but I don’t feel like I’ll continue listening to this regularly…but DEFINITELY listen to this once.

WE DEEP (6)

Well they can’t all be WHY DO I KEEP WRITING THIS? THE ANSWER IS BECAUSE ROYCE IS SLACKING LIKE SHIT ON THESE SONGS. Same flow, same subject matter, another autotuned chorus, his associate on this song sucks…you can’t do this forever.

LET THE BEAT BUILD FREESTYLE (7)

Ok…well apparently he can. Basically, if Royce’s punchlines hit, it’s gonna be a good song, and if not, well…you’ve seen the last three songs. This song falls off pretty hard after Royce’s first verse ends though.

ROYAL FLUSH FREESTYLE (8)

This beat is sick as SHIT, but for some reason I get bored when I listen to the original version (even though Andre 3000 stans pretty much jerk off to it nonstop). I don’t get bored with this one, though, since Cannabis emerges from anonymity to spit a decent verse, whoever goes second (it’s not listed for some reason) spits a SICK verse, and Royce rips his like we all know he can.

JOCKIN MY FRESH (8)

This song is a step above solid…that is, after Royce describes himself as something that would only be possible in a child’s drawing.

Royce Da 5'9"

GETTIN MONEY FREESTYLE (8)

Royce gets aggressive again (always a plus) and ironically calls out people for using Lil Wayne’s beats for freestyle (namely A Milli) over one of Lil Wayne’s beats. Also, he says “fuck autotune”, another plus.

HAPPY BAR EXAM (6)

IGNORANT SHIT FREESTYLE (8)

I guess I just gotta be in the mood to listen to Royce/listen in small doses, because this is starting to become a grueling. This song is good, and has some moments of sheer nastiness, but for a mixtape song it’s just a bit too long even though Royce says that’s the whole point. Actually forget it this is better than just solid but still…any change in subject matter coming down the line? ANY?

BEEN SHOT DOWN (DB)

SHUT. UP.

J-RO VS. MIKE B (SKIT)

I mean, I would be bragging about how much I could drink too if I went to jail for DUI. (sarcasm)

KILL ‘EM PT. 2 (8)

You know what this mixtape could have used more of? Kid Vishis. Anyone who can reference Darko Milicic  and 2 Girls 1 Cup over the span of one verse is pretty much the MAN. If you were to ask me what the lines in this song have anything to do with the title, however, I would have no way of answering that.

WALL STREET (DB)

Well let me just start by saying whoever this is that is going first is RETARDED. The lines make next to NO SENSE and are filled with statements that are completely factually wrong. Then, the chorus licks chode. Then Royce’s verse overstays its welcome. Yawn.

ROYCE OUTRO

And we’re done.

How was it?

Even though this was more critically acclaimed than the first one (I heard this somewhere, no I will not cite my imaginary ideas), there’s actually only 9 songs here that are really really worth your time. You can burn it if you want, though, because it’s a mixtape. Check Datpiff.

So what song was it that made you decide to review the Bar Exam series?

Ahh, so you remembered (I stated this in my first Bar Exam post.) Well, just so you know, it was THIS NASTINESS:

Thats a 10. Ridiculous.

Now what are you going to do?

Cry myself to sleep (but not really) since I’m not at this 21st birthday party.

The Bar Exam Mixtape Review

For whatever reason, I’m suffering a massive case of unable-to-shut-my-damn-eyes-and-go-to-sleep syndrome (more commonly known as UTSMDEAGTS Syndrome), hence this post.

One of the big credos of this ISSS is that I don’t bullshit you. This will be no different. Up until a little while ago (meaning a week) I really didn’t know nearly anything about Royce Da 5′9″ other than that he was from Detroit, was in Slaughterhouse (not necessarily a bad or good thing in my opinion…as of right now I’m pretty ambiguous about their whole situation) and that he is 5 feet 10 inches tall. Shitty humor.

Then I found a track (more on that later) that immediately made me track down his critically acclaimed mixtapes (more on that later) and I will start with The Bar Exam (moron).

The Bar Exam Mixtape Cover

How will this pan out? (Given the time of night, I will count this piece of shit as my segue)

DJ PREMIER INTRO

Intro’s are pointless, although a DJ Premier cosign will always sound promising.

HIT EM! (7)

Although I like the scratching, I hope the whole waiting 50 seconds for the song to start thing isn’t a common theme, because that could get annoying. This is a fair enough way to get things started, and the comparing other rappers lyrics to Disney sing-a-longs line was pretty hilarious. The beat gets annoyingly repetitive, though, over the course of 3 minutes.

GORILLA PIMP (DB)

While this song isn’t truly a DB if I look deep inside (regardless of how gay that sounds), I’m letting this go as a warning shot to Royce Da 5′9″. I will not let you keep getting 7’s on every song by spitting similar sounding verses and wasting Primo production as smooth as this. Let’s move on.

A MILLION MORE (8)

Much better. Royce goes in on some classic Primo production (A Million And One Questions) and basically answers every possible question about his career for assholes like me who didn’t know about him till now.

FEELIN IT ‘07 (7)

Royce decides to get blatant as shit and spit about a new subject to the rap game: how many more girls he gets than you. Again, shitty humor on my part. Then he throws in some ‘I’m a lot fuckin richer than you’ for some good measure.

WHO WANT IT (7)

I swear, Royce, the next song that sounds the same but is still pretty good is gonna get a DB and a completely unrelated comment.

DING! DING! (DB)

I could eat an entire box of these in one sitting. WHY ARE THEY SO GOOD?

AS LIVE AS IT GETS (8)

While the gunplay bars had been interspersed aimlessly (get it?) throughout the rest of these songs, he finally gets more aggressive in this one over a more badass beat, threatening to put more metal in your mouth than Paul Wall can, and it’s just awesome.

WHAT YOU CALL THAT! (6)

Royce sounds good here and as irreverant as ever, but unfortunately he’s not the only one on the song. Oops. Termanology sounds like Jus Rhyme

Look at this clown

when he tries to spit a battle line about his faceless opponent wearing a wire, and that’s almost enough to make me skip this.

GO GETTEM! (9)

How many exclamation points does this mixtape have? I will bite my tongue, however, because I’d rather have exclamation points than misspelled titles. This is because I was a School/Town Spelling Bee Winner and could have won States if the bee-mistress didn’t have a lisp when my word was ‘asbestos’. Ya. Think about that shit.

I’M STRAPPED (DB)

This makes no sense. How is it that the last song could have so many nasty gun lines and not really be about guns and the song called I’m Strapped has an R&B hook, no badass gun lines, and generally SUCK?

WE RUN DETROIT (8)

Although the false start returns, this beat is awesome and makes you feel like you’re running through a maze. This for some reason is a good thing.

I’MA LET YOU TELL IT (9)

Welp, Royce Da 5′9″ will officially outrap you AND stomp your shit in. Apparently so will Kid Vishis, who somehow makes a Wizard of Oz and an Inspector Gadget reference sound gangster as FUCK.

DOWN BOTTOM (8)

Just like a Shamwow,

This joke will be a stretch and a half

this mixtape is really starting to pick up…Fluid. Wait what?

TELL YOU WHY I’M HOT (DB)

What is it about this beat that makes everyone sound like a douchebag? With more bite than a dog bite? Really, fuckhead?

KEEP ON PUSHIN (DB)

Yawn. (And not just because I’m tired but can’t fal asleep)

STREET HOP (9)

Just when I was about to go to sleep, something pulled me back in…The fact that I had to take a shit. After a relatively meaty dump, I returned to this post, and, accordingly this song, which is NASTY. Sickass beat, great aggression and general testicular fortitude from Royce. Well done, sir.

KID VISHIS FREESTYLE (8)

Yup, you read that right. Royce is nowhere to be found here, and this song still holds its own. Kid Vishis sounds impressive over the Liquid Swordz instrumental…although not as good as Kid KaBooM or Kid Chaos might have.

THE DREAM (9)

Goddam am I a sucker for sped up soul. I may or may not have given this instrumental alone an 9. No, this song justifies this score. Royce finally shakes my beliefs that he spits the same type of verses over sad/happy/aggressive/moody production and adjusts his subject matter, propelling this song to a great score.

DJ PREMIER OUTRO

Move along, it’s an outro. But wait…there’s more!

SOUND THE ALARM (8)

This sounds good. Now I’m gonna go to bed.

But you haven’t done the ending questions yet!

Fuck yoouuuuuuuuuuuuu

Was this worth tracking down?

You can’t buy it, but 13 songs that range from good to bangouts on a mixtape is pretty good, so ya, track this down on Datpiff or wherever you get your mixtapes.

The Importance of The Spitfest

For my fans that don’t exist, here’s getting back to some Hip Hop. Who woulda thunk it.

I am actually really excited for this post because

1) It’s not a commonly talked about thing on hip hop sites (mainly because I invented it)

2) There will not be a single bad song discussed in this post, making it kind of awesome.

Now I know I talked about this before, but this time I’m gonna elaborate on the subject. What is a spitfest, why is it important to have one, and why are they so goddamn awesome? The answer is simple. While not necessarily punchlines (although they can be), a spitfest is a song that realistically is about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING COHERENT but just contains sick line after sick line. Coincidentally, this is what makes it awesome. It’s not about who’s the most profound or deepest rapper, it doesn’t even have to be about who has the best production team behind them, it’s just about who can keep line after line coming and keep the fans exploding in their pants.

Although the origins are shady, history maintains that the beginnings of the Spit Festival (now shortened to the colloquialism Spitfest) evolved in China.

MC Farmer opened a whole new world for the burgeoning crowd of spitters, many of whom promptly caught hot spitter fever and died. Those that survived, however, went forth and multiplied, and their descendants populate the rap game to this day.

An alternate theory proposes that KRS-One created the spitfest, but this is mainly due to the fact that he is old as fuck and senile, and is like the grandparent who tells his grandkids that he did all kinds of shit he never really did.

Regardless, Spit Festivals have continued forth to this day, although lately they have been few and far between.

What is the importance of a Spitfest, however? To put it simply, Spitfests in hip hop are like having an All-Star year in sports. They have the ability to gloss over the minor qualms in other years of an individuals career. Some notable examples:

• Spitfests can revitalize credibility after attempt after attempt to sell out, as in the case of Ludacris.
• In the case of Cappadonna, a single spitfest was the equivalent of winning a green jacket at the Masters. No matter how bad he sucks in the future, he’ll always have an automatic bid onto a Wu track due to a single verse.
• In the case of MF DOOM, they can serve as a singular example that fans can point to as a representation of the man’s actual ability to more mainstream fans who don’t understand
• Spitfests can serve as an indicator of what might have been

Hell, even some careers can be based solely off of spitfests. Look at Big L or Lloyd Banks. On the flip side, some careers can be mutilated by spitfests. Anyone else notice how unfortunate 50 Cent was to have Jadakiss’ diss against him turn into a spitfest? Now he makes songs like this. (Lest we forget Lloyd Banks royal ass-whupping of Officer Ricky or Biggie Smalls’ assassination of roughly EVERYONE WITHIN A CONTINENT’S RADIUS)

Essentially, every rappers should strive for at least one spitfest an album, with the one exception to this being Nas simply because his style of taking multiple bars for a line to unfold will not permit it (and I’m alright with that). If not all of your punchlines hit? All you did was add another mediocre song to an album that your label probably made you chock full of radio babble bullshit anyway. If you’re right on? You may have just extended your career for a few years.

And now I leave you with a list of my other 5 favorite spitfests that I didn’t find a way to include into this post. (In no particular order)

Ain’t No Half Steppin

Da Rockwilder

Buggin’ Out

What More Can I Say

Guillotinz

Nolan Ryan – A Grit-Toothed, Sleeve-Rolling Bastard

And now we make a return to our Badasses Series with one grit-toothed, sleeve-rolling bastard: Nolan Ryan.

Now I realize the grit-toothed makes him sound badass, because you instantly form a mental image that may or may not look something like this:

Your shit is about to get stomped

but not nearly as many people will realize how bad the phrase “roll your sleeves up” is. To tell you the truth, it is one of my favorite phrases and I try to apply it to myself whenever possible since it makes me seem badass. Any self-respecting man knows that when it’s time to do some work or time to kick some ass, the first logical step is thus:

Thus revealing your rippling muscular ass-kicking forearms

Nolan Ryan was born wearing a shirt, and the sleeves on said shirt were rolled up.

Why is Nolan Ryan such a badass? Well, for starters, he was the biggest badass of all time in a position not typically known for badasses. Yea, people think of linebackers or other large sports figures as badasses, but the silent killer who gets his job done and then kicks the shit out of you when you think you’re gonna get some good licks in? THAT’S BADASS.

Case In Point: Robin Ventura

(The clip starts at :45)

Nolan Ryan plunks Robin Ventura simply because he’s Nolan Fuckin Ryan and instigates whenever he wants. Nolan Ryan thinks just because he’s a big power hitter he’s gonna kick some limp-wristed pitcher ass. Apparently he forgot the pitcher was Nolan Ryan, who promptly waited with his arms wide inviting Ventura to come get some until he got there, and then promptly put him in a headlock and smashed his face into harmbuger helper.

Although Nolan Ryan was a pitcher, scientists have used complex formulas to determine what would happen if Nolan Ryan got up to the plate. They determined that it would look something like this:

If he ever struck out (although it’s doubtful…he’s Nolan Ryan), it would look something like this:

While Nolan Ryan played mostly before the steroids era, it is likely that he would have been under suspicion if he played more in that era. This would not have been because he used steroids, however, but it would have been due to his ridiculous levels of testosterone. Remarkably, these incredible levels of testosterone were due to a number of abnormal causes:

First, Nolan Ryan’s testosterone and other hormones were completely permeable. This means that they could transfer through his skin by means of water (or sweat). He used this to his advantage by slapping his grapefruit sized balls on his pitching arm three times before every start (any more would have caused severe ramifications, including his arm being too muscular to move), thereby allowing his testosterone to travel directly from his balls into his arm via ball sweat.

Second, Nolan Ryan had an interesting method of taking testosterone from others. In between innings, he would go down into the other team’s dugouts where his strikeout victims would be huddled in the corner in the fetal position. He would then tell them that he was secretly their father and that he wasn’t proud of at-bats against him, even though they gave it their best. He would then tell them that because he’s their father he would still take them out for ice cream after the game, a claim he never fulfilled. In doing so, he sapped other players of their testosterone and put it in himself.

In conclusion, Nolan Ryan had the demeanor of a large-testicled bull that works 9-5 at an unfulfilling desk job that he is overqualified for and has to sit in rush-hour gridlocked traffic everyday on the way home and then on one Saturday has to wait three hours in line at the DMV behind a Chatty Kathy who is talking obnoxiously loud and in a New Jersey accent on her cell phone, and the skills to back the demeanor up.

Filler or Goodness? You be the judge.

Now some may classify this post as filler, while others may classify it as goodness. I classify it as shutthehellup. In this post, you will learn some highly critical information, such as:

The reason for how retarded my last post was is that I went a little heavy on the silly water. Here is a translation of what that post actually was supposed to say should it have been spelled properly. Spoiler: It’s still pretty retarded.

“I’m going to try and type an entire post without going back and editing anything . P.S I may be drinking right now and I am probably not going to make any coherent sense.

I would like to include a picture of how I am doing right now,”

[This is where the picture of the only time I broke 30 on Mini-Putt goes, a feat I am still proud of]

“This summary pretty much summarizes my feelings on the existence of humanity right now.”

The next thing you need to know is that I got this in my list of searches today:

Ummm really?

Another thing you need to know is that I’ve been listening to this song all day because it’s really good:

Another thing you should probably know is that I think the Jimi Hendrix sample in this new leaked Lupe song (trying to get some searches outta that one) is BADASS, but I don’t like how he flows over it:

Also, more posts are on their way from me.

Also, also, I may be posted on the site Hip Hop Is Dead, so keep an eye out for me there.

Another thing you should know is that this post is done. Oops.

I love it when a plan comes together.

My current status and the state nof world affairs

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trihs tsummparykis x pretty much summarizes my feelings n onf tihewone exist ente ce of huimanity right now.